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Thursday, September 11, 2003

Regrets...
I've had a few.
But then again,
Too few to mention!
--"My Way",
written by Paul Anka
When I hear that song, I think of Frank Sinatra, and sometimes Elvis or Sid Vicious -- all of whom have been known to perform, in their own unique manner, that wonderful song. Wonderful because -- though I don't always enjoy hearing it, I've heard it so much -- the song is a wonderful personal anthem. That's something we all need: a personal anthem. A song that praises our individuality; a mark of devotion to oneself. After all, they say you're going to have a helluva time loving anyone else unless you've first learned to love yourself, right?

This is not to replace your love for your God, or your spouse, or your family. I'm simply saying that we all need to give ourselves a bit more self-love at this time of year. (No, not that type of self-love !) Too many of us beat up on ourselves throughout the year, and then nearly destroy ourselves at year's end. No wonder there are so many suicides during the Holidays; the messages bombarding us are to Buy Buy Buy and to Give Give Give -- but what if you have nothing to give but love? If you have a dearth of that good stuff, then you'll have a bitch of a time spreading it around to your neighbors.

So be good to yourself, whether you're Christian, Pagan, Wiccan, Athiest, Hindu, Islamic, Mormon, Podcastin, or otherwise. Don't take the pills, they won't do you or anyone else any good; you'll simply miss out on the Next Big Thing (which may turn out to be Your Next Big Thing). Just do things your own way, singing that little hymn as you do so:
For what is a man,
What has he got?
If not himself,
Then he has naught.
To say the things,
He truly feels,
And not the words,
Of one who kneels.
The record shows,
I took the blows
And did it my way!

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Every day is another trial, another adventure, another test. (Dad called it a test. I would like to agree--I even told him yes, if I looked at it as a challenge I might find the climb more agreeable--but I'm not sure I really believed myself. I like some tests, but this test is just testing my mental endurance. This is not a formula that needs to be worked out; there are too many variables. There is no simple solution; this is not a math equation. This is more like an essay, to be judged by a random arbiter of taste; and if the judge is stoned, who knows how they'll perceive my results? Then again, if they're stoned, perhaps the judgement will fall in my favor.) Every day is another miracle, especially when it's done, and I wish so bad that I didn't just want to get through every moment. I wish that I could enjoy every moment, even the bad moments, for the thrill of the experience, perhaps. I wish I did enjoy every moment--that I somehow found the energy and the willpower within me to overcome that nagging piece of me that seems to fall more often these days than not--that piece of me that I hate, that dirty little part of me that turns mean once in awhile. I want things to be perfect--I realize that, and I also know that things can never be perfect--but still, I want them to be, and I strive towards perfection, always, and nothing can live up to my expectations.

Every day I make it through, somehow, but some days I feel as if we are falling behind. That we are sliding backwards on the treadmill. Through all we accomplish, the feeling that things are spiralling out of control persists--that time is slipping away, and nothing will ever get done in time. That some horror awaits around the corner. Other days, all is well, the sun is shining and everything is in equilibrium. Everything is connected, the gears of the world are slick, polished, and working together--a perfect symphony of gears turning and moving towards an ultimate goal of better living, better health, better everything--the air is sweet and crisp. On hot days, however, the world seems against you, and every task is an olympic feat.
posted by Harold  7/17/2003 11:37:00 PM
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I once posted, in this space (this right column), the following:

If I had friends they would be listed here

That particular bit o' text, that silly and idiotic phrase, was repeated a dozen or two dozen or so times and was intended to be temporary. I had been working on a project -- a new layout for this blog -- and had intended for that text to be placeholder content. That is, the text was supposed to temporarily replace the content that had previously occupied this column (which was a list of links to friends -- that is, other blogs and web sites I linked to). I didn't know what content I was going to place into that (this) space, so I placed a bunch of duplicate phrases here as a placeholder so that I would remember to fill in this space again later.

At the same time, I thought I was being cute with the heading:

NEW & IMPROVED FRIENDS!

The fact remains: I still don't know what content to put here, in this column. Links again? Pictures? Video? Audio? Ads? Oh, hell no! It hasn't come to me yet, but I'm sure it will eventually, and when it does it'll come quick and (as usual) with consequences.